"I wish I knew what to say."
"They're going to need a lot of help now."
"If only there was something I could do."
Chances are, you've either heard something say something like this, or you maybe have said it yourself to someone else. Often, it's a natural reaction to hearing big news of a loss, but what we do next is what really matters.
The questions swirl around, but what are the answers? What if we can actually help those who are grieving and navigating loss? What if we could do small tasks or offer consistent support that can help them navigate their everyday life and form a new "normal" while learning the new journey of grief?
Sadly, many have found that support and connection are strong through the funeral, and then quickly drop off after the funeral or memorial is over. In many cases, it's life after the memorial that gets the toughest and complicated in the journey. The darkness settles in, the responsibilities may start to pile up as get the mental and physical exhaustion sets in, and life expectations continue as before.
Picture this: You spend your last moments saying goodbye to your loved one, and you go home, filled with an emptiness, a sense of panic, and a longing for it to be a dream. You fall into bed, falling apart, and desperate to fall asleep and wake up realizing it was all a terrible dream. The next week of your life is spent planning a service, organizing details of a meal after the service, picking out an outfit, trying to remember to (or force yourself without an appetite) to eat something, mustering up whatever ounce of energy you have to drag yourself to the shower, all running on the adrenaline of the unknowns. The day of the service comes, and it goes, and your friends and community goes back to their normal routine, and you're left with a giant gaping hole, with nothing to fill it.
You might have end of life matters to finish for your loved one - wills, trusts, certificates, etc, on top of remembering to feed yourself, grocery shopping, returning to work after your leave ends, still making time for the kids or walking the dog or worrying about any dependents you have, the list goes on. You're not sleeping, you're not drinking enough water, you can barely keep it together. The only thing to make it better is what you can't have.
This can be a recipe for an overwhelming reality that can be beyond difficult to trudge through without the right support and people to count on.
But what can we do for them while they navigate grief?
Thankfully, we have options for ways to support our loved ones, and it's more than just sending an expensive floral arrangement that will die in a few short days with a cheesy saying on the tiny paper card attached.
Whether you live close enough to be physically present or support from afar, there are a wide variety of options that do not just include sending flowers, soup kits, or decorative stepping stones for a garden.
If you live close to them, there are task focused options as well as more handsfree options. This could be offering to do a load or two of laundry while they sleep, doing yard work or small maintenance tasks that they might not have time or energy to tend to, or tasks like taking out the garbage and tidying up, These may be a big help in the beginning stages of grief, and take only minutes or a few hours of your time. These are all things that should be done with permission before beginning. It’s important to allow your loved one in grief to remain autonomous and feeling in control throughout their grief journey. If they are uncomfortable with the help that is being offered or would rather the task be completed by themselves, it is important to respect that boundary and allow them to make that choice. Offering other options can be a way to lend support while letting them remain in control of their life.
Other options could include offering to take their children for a breakfast on a Saturday while they take a much needed hot shower, sleep in, or catch up on their tasks. Offer to run errands or bring them groceries, or prepare meals for them. Preparing meals that can be cooked or frozen for use at a later date can offer them a sense of independence and give them an easy meal to be saved for a day they feel particularly overwhelmed or exhausted. Find some easy meal ideas here if you need inspiration or ideas.
But what about sending support to our grieving loved ones that live far away?
The good news is that no matter how far away you live, there are still options for engaging with your grieving loved one to offer care and compassion. Often, it’s the moments of love, human connection, and companionship that mean the most and leave an impact. Many relate that grief is very isolating, overwhelming, and comes with waves of anger, loneliness, and despair among other feelings. One of the most accessible ways to help is by lending an ear. Call them to catch up and taking the time to listen, sending a text throughout a busy week, or mail a card for a mailbox pick me up. These are options that can be completed almost anywhere, at any time, inexpensively.
The most simple and often welcomed support is this: Say their name. Tell stories of their loved one. Talk about their loved one like they existed. Often it seems we as supporters are scared to say the loved ones name that passed away. Perhaps we are scared that saying their name will make them sad, or remind them of grief on a day they seem to be doing well. The chances are, they think of their loved one multiple times a day, whether they are having a good day or a tough day. Reminisce with them. Listen to the stories and happy memories. This allows them to look back fondly, and brings them closer to their loved one. They might tell the same stories over and over, and that is okay. Actively listen and offer them the space to process and remember. This can be a very healing experience, if they are offered it. And if you offer and they decline, accept that. They will share when they are ready.
Another option is gifting a set of Forget Me Not Notes offers a unique spin on sympathy and sending support. By choosing a weekly or monthly set for the length of time that suits for your loved ones need, you can send scheduled support with just the click of a button. Each week or month (depending on the set you choose) they will receive a card with a quote relating to the feelings of grief and loss, and offering them a space to journal, reflect, and process their grief at their own pace. This can range from 6 weeks to 52 weeks, all dependent on what you choose and feel is right for your recipient. Enter the recipient's address and a custom message at checkout, and let the rest be taken care of for you. Cards will be mailed on schedule to remind your loved one you care without hassle.
Sending gift cards for a restaurant or food delivery in their area can also allow them to have an easy meal prepared for them as a way for nutrition on even the hardest days, when cooking a fresh meal might be too much. This can be done through Meal Train if they have it set up, or on your own as you see a need for.
Donating to a GoFundMe or similar account can be extremely helpful as they navigate the financial stress of missing work, paying for unexpected costs, and funding a funeral/service, amongst potential medical bills from their loved one.
No matter what option or options you choose, there are many options that can support your loved ones for the toughest weeks and months after the funeral or service. It’s imperative to remember that after the funeral, you have a normal life to return to, while your loved one is in the depths of grief and had their whole world tipped upside down - they have no “normal” to turn towards for solace.
Another important step to this support process is asking permission, checking to make sure your loved one is comfortable with what you’re offering, and allowing them the autonomy to make the decisions that they feel is best for them. We all grieve differently, with no “right” or “wrong” way, and just want everyone to be as comfortable and supported as possible. Remind them their grief, and their loved one, is not forgotten.
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