If it Brings You Peace

Don't paint over the stain. Don't throw away their favorite pen. Don't wash their favorite sweater.

When my loved one died, there was a push, or perhaps a societal expectation not to dwell. I heard things like "Don't get caught up in your feelings, you'll never get better." or "Crying won't bring him back, try to be happier."

Those things, while perhaps being said out of love, were not helpful to me. They brought a sense of shame, as if I was grieving for "too long", or the "wrong way", is if there was such a thing. Comments like that made me realize who to trust and be vulnerable around, and who might not be respectful of my feelings. I found myself turning inward with my grief, rather than finding a connection within my small community of people.

There was a green paint stain on the wall of the living room from my loved one scraping a tool while very animatedly telling a story. At the time, there was some annoyance, scraping up a recently painted wall through a careless flailing of his arms. The wall was never touched up with paint, and now, a few years later, the smudge of green paint is still on the wall.

It doesn't bring a feeling of resentment, or anger, or annoyance now that there is a green smudge on a cream colored wall. Rather, it brings a sense of "my loved one left his mark." And how lucky I am to be reminded of him and his mark when I pass it. Walking past that stained little smudge on the wall is a quick reminder of the joy that he had and the funny stories he would tell, flailing his arms as he talked passionately.

If you have a smudged wall with a fun memory tied to it, or maybe their favorite pen still sits in a pen cup, or their punch card for their favorite pizza place is still hanging on the fridge, let it be. If you find comfort, joy, or a happy moment of reminiscing, leave it be. Someone who never experienced grief telling you to move on or having harsh, unkind criticism is not someone to listen to for advice. If it brings you peace or comfort, listen to your heart and do what you feel is best. Your grief is not forgotten.